Rules for writing your own story

These are the rules for writing your own story, or beating to your own drum, or letting it go:
1. Don't involve children!
2. Don't support Dixie!
3. Don't use holy books!
4. Don't have narratives!
5. Say, "I want to, but I can't, but I should, so I shouldn't! It's complicated, so very complicated!"
 6. Constantly redefine words like love and literally!
7. Don't listen to anyone at all, including yourself!
8. Smile awkwardly and grunt! Also burb!
9. Start every sentence with "I just want to stop crying!"
 10. Don't forget to walk away in the middle of awkward conversations that you force on others!
11. Be very campy!
12. Don't tell your story to anyone!
13. Ignore the list, unless you're a Southerner, Tea party guy, bircher, or nra, kkk or any word three letter acronym
We do not hate anybody! We are not hateful people!